I'm such an old lady.
It's 11:21 PM and I get off work in... 39 minutes and I just want to go to SLEEP. I would have been in bed at 8 PM if I had anything to do with it. My eyes are sleepy, damn it. I have to get up at 6 AM to take my Non* to a stress test that I already took her to once. So yeah, my Non is conspiring against sleep. And work. They conspire against sleep too with that CPR class at 7 AM and the shift that ends at midnight. (I might be partly responsible for that one...) Still, it's one big freaking conspiracy.
Obviously I'm too tired to be funny right now.
Oh, but let me tell you about my crap day that contributed to the old lady tiredness of this one.
In a period of less than 6 hours
I somehow managed to smash the glass in my curio cabinet while rushing
out the door, freak out because I have NO idea how to fix something like that, pick up my Non late, drop her at her first doctor's
appointment of the day only to find out it was the wrong day and they can't fit her in, swing back
to get her while trying to put jelly on a sausage biscuit and not
crash, attempt to be productive by hitting the grocery only to have a
jar of marinara sauce roll out of my cart and SPLATTER all over the damn
place, including on me and my lovely new Nike's, and get to her second appointment to find that
the doctor WASN'T EVEN THERE! How does that even happen???
I wound up going home and trying to do absolutely NOTHING that I could fuck up for the rest of the day.
-Sarah
PS: 27 minutes left.
Translation: Non = My Crazy Ass Grandma
Monday, April 30, 2012
I'm Bringing Sexy Back
Usually I'm pretty stingy about buying myself things but last week I realized that I'd been pining for this perfume called Prada Candy for about 6 months so I finally broke down and bought it. And now, I SMELL SEXY YA'LL!!! I can't stop smelling myself and I'm at work and it's starting to get a little weird. I've managed to refrain so far from sniffing my wrists in front of the ladies but I'm doing this creepy deep breathing thing and I've only just managed to restrain myself from sicking my wrist in Tangie's face and yelling, "SNIFF ME!"
I'm sure that sort of behavior would be frowned upon. People love to complain via letters in my office. I can just imagine the notes slipped under my boss's door.
Chief Johnny,
I am writing to inform you that Sarah has been harassing me in the workplace and that this office has lately become a hostile work environment. (People love that phrase.) She has been breathing very loudly and yesterday she made me smell her. She smelled fantastic, but still. (It's true.) This is completely unsuitable for the workplace and I would like you to have a talk with her. Please keep my name out of it as I would hate for her to retaliate against me. (I'm too nice to do that. For reals.)
-Terrified Coworker (It'll be ok.)
-Sarah
I'm sure that sort of behavior would be frowned upon. People love to complain via letters in my office. I can just imagine the notes slipped under my boss's door.
Chief Johnny,
I am writing to inform you that Sarah has been harassing me in the workplace and that this office has lately become a hostile work environment. (People love that phrase.) She has been breathing very loudly and yesterday she made me smell her. She smelled fantastic, but still. (It's true.) This is completely unsuitable for the workplace and I would like you to have a talk with her. Please keep my name out of it as I would hate for her to retaliate against me. (I'm too nice to do that. For reals.)
-Terrified Coworker (It'll be ok.)
-Sarah
Sunday, April 29, 2012
I Just Want To Wear a Live Alligator As a Scarf
My Mom and her husband and my 3 year old sister just got back from Mexico and wanted to tell me about their trip, which was awesome, but I went to New Orleans for the weekend and I REALLY wanted to tell them all about that but I couldn't get a word in edgewise...
... so now I'm laying in bed thinking about how I wanted to tell them about alligator skin and how weird it is and how when they sell those awful gator heads in the gift shops they're all scaly and rough to the touch...
... but when I got to touch that live 2 ft alligator it had the most AMAZING skin that was like silky and magical and cool and warm all at the same time...
... and I really just want to be able to pet a live alligator all day like how the super villains in movies pet fuzzy white cats, except with an alligator which would be SO much more badass!!! And dangerous. Because that's how I roll.
I was going to post a picture of me holding the gator but I look like a grinning idiot in that shot, because alligators feel THAT crazy awesome so I'm just going to keep that one to myself.
Also, I'm aware that that was all one run on sentence. I broke it up to make it less obnoxious. I probably failed. So it goes.
Good Night,
-Sarah
... so now I'm laying in bed thinking about how I wanted to tell them about alligator skin and how weird it is and how when they sell those awful gator heads in the gift shops they're all scaly and rough to the touch...
... but when I got to touch that live 2 ft alligator it had the most AMAZING skin that was like silky and magical and cool and warm all at the same time...
... and I really just want to be able to pet a live alligator all day like how the super villains in movies pet fuzzy white cats, except with an alligator which would be SO much more badass!!! And dangerous. Because that's how I roll.
I was going to post a picture of me holding the gator but I look like a grinning idiot in that shot, because alligators feel THAT crazy awesome so I'm just going to keep that one to myself.
Also, I'm aware that that was all one run on sentence. I broke it up to make it less obnoxious. I probably failed. So it goes.
Good Night,
-Sarah
NaNoWriMo for Those of You Who Speak Klingon
Ok, so...
I want to write a book. November is National Novel Writer's Month. But it's April, and by November I will have either forgot about it or I'll be sitting at my computer staring at a blank screen thinking WHAT DO I DO??? and DAMN YOU STEPHEN KING! and other things... So I think I'm just going to use this blog as an excuse to write and get ideas and discover what to do as soon as November comes. Yeah, that sounds good.
You know, November is an awful month to try to write a novel. There's Christmas shopping, Thanksgiving obligations, and turkey comas to dodge and that's just off the top of my head. Why not August? Then it's too damn hot to go outside and there are no holidays so you can hunker down with an A/C unit and your laptop and get to scribbling. Except it's a laptop so that doesn't work. Typing would be better. Don't scribble on your laptop.
January too. That would be an excellent month to write a novel. Read that last bit about August over again except replace hot with cold, A/C with heater, and you're good to go.
I'll leave it for now but I'd still like to know how November got picked...
I want to write a book. November is National Novel Writer's Month. But it's April, and by November I will have either forgot about it or I'll be sitting at my computer staring at a blank screen thinking WHAT DO I DO??? and DAMN YOU STEPHEN KING! and other things... So I think I'm just going to use this blog as an excuse to write and get ideas and discover what to do as soon as November comes. Yeah, that sounds good.
You know, November is an awful month to try to write a novel. There's Christmas shopping, Thanksgiving obligations, and turkey comas to dodge and that's just off the top of my head. Why not August? Then it's too damn hot to go outside and there are no holidays so you can hunker down with an A/C unit and your laptop and get to scribbling. Except it's a laptop so that doesn't work. Typing would be better. Don't scribble on your laptop.
January too. That would be an excellent month to write a novel. Read that last bit about August over again except replace hot with cold, A/C with heater, and you're good to go.
I'll leave it for now but I'd still like to know how November got picked...
Accidental Racism and My Nom De Plume
Dear Nobody,
I have a lot of really great stories, but legally I'm not allowed to tell some of them. So let's see what happens.
-S
Wait, I just realized I want a pen name. Hmm... I could do my Indian name... (Native American for those who are PC and those who thought I was talking about actual citizens of India.)
SheTalksToDipshits
SheBlamesTheCat
SheLaughsInnapropriatey
Do they have to start with She? Hold up, I'm googling this...
Ok, so apparently I got fooled by my childhood knowledge of The Tale of Blue Bonnet and was way off. I found a list of 2000 names and almost NONE of them were like this. The only exception was Sheshebens which means "little duck". I don't think they were using it the way I was though.Well that's out.
I think I'll stick with my name for now.
I have a lot of really great stories, but legally I'm not allowed to tell some of them. So let's see what happens.
-S
Wait, I just realized I want a pen name. Hmm... I could do my Indian name... (Native American for those who are PC and those who thought I was talking about actual citizens of India.)
SheTalksToDipshits
SheBlamesTheCat
SheLaughsInnapropriatey
Do they have to start with She? Hold up, I'm googling this...
Ok, so apparently I got fooled by my childhood knowledge of The Tale of Blue Bonnet and was way off. I found a list of 2000 names and almost NONE of them were like this. The only exception was Sheshebens which means "little duck". I don't think they were using it the way I was though.Well that's out.
I think I'll stick with my name for now.
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